Infertility: 1 IVF: 0

The last IVF cycle resulted in a big fat negative, which was depressing enough to keep me from my regular posting schedule. The more I avoided posting the harder it became, till writing a 300 word blog entry seemed as difficult as completing the Ironman.

But now I’m back, because at this point blogging at least makes me feel consistent –in other words, slightly less shitty than not blogging.

I had known that negative was coming. I would like to think it was my keen self-awareness rather than my default pessimism that led me to that conclusion. But by the tenth day after the embryo transfer, all the pregnancy-symptom Googling in the world couldn’t convince me that I had implantation cramps and not premenstrual cramps.

The other telltale sign: Dr. Stein’s office took forever to call with the results of the beta. Usually they call about blood work in the late morning; this time they called in mid-afternoon.  Maybe I’m imputing too much humanity into their actions, but I’m pretty sure they save the worst news for last.

In a frenzy of sublimation, I started looking at the websites of domestic adoption agencies. I found that in at least one agency, Black babies are about $8,000 cheaper than babies of all other races.

This was both surprising and predictable – predictable because of course adoption systems reflect back all the inequalities of the world we live in, and surprising because it is still crap.

In any case, it ended my adoption research for the day.

The other night I had a dream about Dr. Stein. It involved a revelation that he was not who I thought he was. The real Dr. Stein had mutton chops and stringy black hair and wore thick plaid shirts. Somehow, in the dream, I managed to go along with it.

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4 Responses to “Infertility: 1 IVF: 0”

  1. Sorry about your negative beta. But I’m glad you’re back to posting, and “slightly less shitty” is, after all, slightly less shitty than the alternative.

  2. I’m so sorry infertility won this time. Thinking of you.

  3. So glad you’re back posting. I’m recuperating from a crazy food poisoning over TGiv. Retribution for celebrating the arrival of the colonizers?

  4. So sorry to hear about your negative beta. Even if you think you’re prepared, it can still be devastating to hear that news over the phone.

    The Sassy IF Lady is currently writing about her mixed-race adoption at http://sassyiflady.blogspot.com

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