new stage

I have one friend who’s about to give birth and another who just did.

I think this is a new stage in my life: the stage where all the people who didn’t want a kid when I started trying to conceive start having babies themselves.

I went off the pill two years ago, after over a decade of meticulous contraception usage.  At the time my closest college friend was trying, too. Her kid is almost one.

To be fair, I know plenty of people for whom obtaining children isn’t a snappy process. Issues with recurrent miscarriages, various manifestations of PCOS, and unexplained infertility are all over the place.

Then there are the gray areas. I’ve got friends who adopted — for various reasons, infertility being just one of them — and friends who, though not biologically infertile, are injecting hormones in the hopes of averting the expense of many vials of donor sperm.

I know I’m not alone. But I still feel like I’m stuck in pause while everyone else is moving forward. Even the other infertiles are ahead; their problems always seem more curable than my own.

Last night I had another dream about the RE clinic. The staff had been replaced by incompetent young men in varsity sweatshirts. I wanted to correct them, to show them how to do the blood tests and the scans and write out the patient plans, but the moments kept passing me by.


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